Enough for Now
by Rivers and Roads
Summary: When her secrets come unraveled, Kate is left standing in the wake of destruction. Based on promo for 47 Seconds.


**Author's Note: Based off the promo that left us all gasping for air (47 seconds). Potential spoilers for all of season four, I guess! No spoilers for any of the sneak peeks that came out today-I'm resisting temptation! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. A girl can dream, though.**

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><p>"We're bringing in the suspect now," Kate said as she leaned forward and rested her elbows on the table.<p>

Castle looked up from his phone, clearly caught up in the game he was playing.

"What?" he asked.

She sighed in mock irritation, "We're bringing in the suspect."

Castle looked down at his phone, "Actually, I have to go. Mother is preparing a surprise for dinner, and I promised Alexis I wouldn't abandon her. Think you can handle the interrogation without me?"

"Castle," Kate said, "I think you're forgetting that I was a cop long before you showed up."

"God knows how," Castle replied with a teasing glint in his eyes.

"Uh-huh," Kate replied, casting him a similar glance, "Who knows how I managed to interview suspects before you came along to interrupt everything I say. Good luck tonight."

"Thanks," Castle replied, "I hope I won't need it."

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><p>Kate had left to follow the suspect into the interrogation room when Castle found himself on his way down in the elevator. He was listening to the still thrum of the machine making its descent when his phone rang.<p>

"Hey, Alexis," Castle said upon seeing the caller ID, "I'm on my way home right now. I'm sure you can hold Gram off until then."

"No, dad," Alexis said, "That's actually not why I called. Gram ended up going out for the evening, something about an article for her acting school or something. Anyway, there's this really cute boy that I met today and I was wondering if maybe he could come over?"

Alexis' voice rose a few octaves and sped up considerably at the end; Castle could practically see her crossing her fingers.

Castle stood for a moment, considering. Deciding he wouldn't mind spending some more time at the precinct (he was really interesting in catching the guy behind this bomb), he channeled "cool dad".

"Sure, Alexis," Castle said to the sound of Alexis's small squeal of delight.

"Thanks, dad," Alexis said excitedly, "You're the best!"

"I know," Castle replied, pressing the button to go back up a floor, "And don't you ever forget it. Speaking of not forgetting, the rules about boys…"

"Dad, I'm not fifteen anymore," Alexis said.

Castle cleared his throat.

"But don't worry I'll follow all of the rules," she finished quickly.

"That's my girl," Castle replied, "I'll probably just catch dinner here with the guys, so don't wait up, alright?"

"Okay," Alexis replied, "Love you, dad."

"Love you too, pumpkin," he replied.

He heard her end of the conversation disconnect as the doors to the elevator opened back up to the precinct.

Castle scanned the room briefly before remembering that the boys were out chasing down a lead and Kate would be in interrogation. He crossed the bull pen and stopped at the door to interrogation. A brief, yet vivid, image of Kate strangling him should he interrupt her intensive examination had Castle stepping a few paces to his left and into the watching room.

The suspect wasn't cracking, that much was certain. Kate hadn't been going at it for much time, but the guy was stubborn. She felt the pressures of an early morning and long day with not nearly enough coffee beginning to well up inside of her.

The poor man had no idea what he was in for.

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><p>"Look," Kate said, standing above the man, hands resting on the table in front of him-the picture of intimidation, "We know you planted the bomb. So the question is why?"<p>

"Lady," the guy said, a picture of perfect calm, "I didn't plant the bomb, alright?"

"Did you think of the people when you did it?" Kate asked, her voice rising, "Did you think of their lives-the fact that they have families too?"

The guy looked up at her dumbfounded.

"Of course you didn't," she said, her volume again escalating, "Because you don't know how it feels." Kate slammed her hands down on the table, causing the suspect to jump

She sat down on the table right in front of him and spoke closely, her anger a hushed roar, "Why did you plant that bomb?"

The man looked at her dumfounded and afraid.

"I was shot in the chest," she said angrily, "And I remember every second of it."

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><p><em>And I remember every second of it.<em>

The words played through his mind over and over, an incessant narrative to the horror story that was his summer. _I love you. I love you, Kate. Stay with me._

For a moment he merely stood there, staring without seeing through the two-way mirror. Through the glass, Kate was continuing to gruel the suspect but to no avail.

Had Castle been paying attention he would have seen the man resolutely cross his arms, "I want a lawyer."

The magic words that ended the interrogation and put Kate up against a wall.

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><p>Castle was starting to come back into coherent thought shrouded by anger when Kate grabbed the folder off the table, shut it angrily, and walked out of the room.<p>

For a moment, he debated going after her. He debated yelling at her, telling her they were over, done. Asking her how she could break his heart so easily.

The thought disappeared soon and was replaced by an altogether more appealing idea-run. It had worked so well for Kate these past years, why not him? He didn't need her explanations. He didn't need her to turn this around, make it somehow not her fault. He was hurt. He was humiliated. He was going home, and never coming back.

Castle walked out of the room, letting the door shut with a thud behind him. He could see her across the room; she was getting ready to leave for the night. He hastened his step to get to the elevator-anything to get out before she did, anything to avoid the humiliation of having to talk to her.

He was in the elevator and pressing the button for the doors to shut as she started to slide into her jacket. As she was putting it on, her eyes got his. First in joy of simply seeing him, then in confusion as to why he was here and seemed so angry, and then, right as the doors to the elevator shut, in realization of what had happened.

When the doors had shut and he was alone in the elevator, Castle felt the overwhelming anger fill up in him. He swore loudly, the sound echoing around the space with him.

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><p>Kate's mind immediately filled with a thousand questions.<p>

_Had he heard her? Why did he come back? Where was he going? Why was she so stupid?_

She racked her hand through her hair, eyes searching the room frantically, trying to find a way out of this. She just needed to rewind five minutes. She just needed to be able to tell him herself.

She forced herself to calm down enough to think. He'd be back tomorrow, right? Not necessarily, her logical self replied. If it was her and he'd been keeping a secret that big away from her, she wouldn't come back. Kate let a stream of swear words filter through her subconscious. This was really, really bad.

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><p>Castle opted out of taking a cab home, needing to burn off steam and give Alexis some time to enjoy her boy friend before he came barging through the door. He breathed heavily in the cold March night, his anger propelling him forward down the street.<p>

He couldn't go back, that much was certain. The anger tasted vile in his throat. The hurt squeezed his heart until it was physically painful. The humiliation rested in his stomach like a ton of bricks.

Kate Beckett was going to be the death of him.

Kate.

_Kate lied,_ he reminded himself, _Kate lied._

The mantra filled his mind as he walked even faster, fueling his long walk away from Kate, away from the precinct, away from everything.

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><p>When coherent thought had seemed to come into her muddled brain, Kate shot up from her chair. She reached blindly for her coat before realizing she was already wearing it. Focus, Kate.<p>

She hurried out of the precinct, knowing he had too much of a head start. Where would he go? The loft. Surely he would just want to go home.

She raced down to hail a cab, feeling like she was racing for her life. She realized midway through that thought that she really was. Castle had become her life. She loved-

She loved him. The realization hit her like a semi-truck. No. The realization hit her like a meteorite falling from space.

"I love him," she said aloud to herself, feeling the words dance around on her tongue. She couldn't remember the last time she had actually been _in love_ with a man. But of course she was in love with Castle.

He was her best friend, her partner, her always.

And she'd messed it up.

"What?" the cab driver said from the front seat.

Kate glanced up from her panic and love induced haze, "Oh, nothing."

She hadn't realized that she was speaking out loud.

Kate felt panic welling up in her stomach. This was it. If she couldn't win him back, if she couldn't convince him that she loved him, that she was so sorry-

No. She would fix this. She had to.

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><p>Castle made it home, freezing cold, and still just as angry. He entered the lobby, nodding to the doorman and lumbering over to the elevator. So walking hadn't really been the best plan.<p>

He rode the elevator up to his floor, trying to school his face into one of calm and contentment-just long enough to get into his office without Alexis suspecting anything.

Who was he kidding? Alexis could read him like a book.

He made his best effort to calm his expression as the elevator dinged and the doors opened, and failed miserably the moment he saw what (or rather who) was in front of him.

Kate Beckett, looking terribly distraught, was standing in front of his door, seemingly trying to decide whether or not to knock.

His momentary surprise was replaced once more by the fiery anger and humiliation. Staring at the woman he loved, he wanted nothing more to turn and run. A desire to try to keep whatever shrivels of dignity he had left in check, Castle walked forward, seemingly indifferent of Kate's presence.

"Rick," Kate said on exhale.

Castle looked forward, away from her, and fished for his keys in his pocket.

"Rick," Kate said louder this time.

He didn't even glance at her.

"Rick, I'm so sorry," Kate said, "I'm sorry. Please look at me."

Castle unlocked the door, opened it, and stepped inside, shutting the door in her face.

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><p>Kate felt her eyes fill with tears the moment the door clicked shut in her face. He hadn't even looked at her.<p>

She paced back and forth across the hallway, feeling a steady stream of embarrassing tears make their way down her face. After pacing for a considerable amount of time, Kate came back up to the door and knocked. She waited a moment, hearing no noise from within before knocking once more.

No answer.

Suddenly filled with inspiration, Kate hurried down to the end of the hall and entered the elevator which, thankfully was already waiting for her on that floor.

Kate felt her heart seize with hope. She could do this. She could fix this.

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><p>Castle had managed to placate Alexis's worry and convince her not to answer the door when there was knocking by the time he entered his study and locked the door behind him. He sank into the familiar seat and felt his entire body shudder in exhaustion. For a moment he debated writing, but decided it probably wouldn't be a good idea to seriously damage his keyboard.<p>

He leaned back in his chair and scrubbed his hands over his face in frustration. He irritably wiped away drops of moisture from his eyes, decidedly not crying over Kate Beckett.

Standing up in anger, he grabbed _Naked Heat_ off of his desk and threw it across the office, hearing it land with a distinctive _thud._

It wasn't enough.

He crossed the room to the book and opened it. _To the real Nikki Heat, with gratitude._ He stared at it, feeling searing moisture in his eyes once more. He grabbed the page with the dedication and ripped. The satisfying sound of ripping paper echoed through the study.

He took the next page and did the same, methodically ripping through every page of the love story he had written her.

When he had finished, he leaned back on his elbows, surrounded by his work, ripped to shreds. Hours of hard work, years of undying love, ripped to pieces. His elbow skidded on something hard. He reached back and pulled out the remote, feeling a small trickle of guilt flood into the rush of anger he'd been feeling for hours now. He pressed the on button, lighting the murder board. He saw her face and wanted to break the board too.

As he strode angrily over to it, he was stopped by a sudden revelation. Secrets. His secret to her, his from him. He played back every time he'd ever thought of her response to this secret. He thought of how desperately he wanted her to understand why he'd done it.

The thought slowed his anger. What if Kate had thought the same thing, all this time? What if she too was looking for a way to tell him?

But this was different, he reminded himself. This time, however, the anger didn't return with such a vengeance. Instead, the image of the sad and hopeful Kate Beckett standing outside his door returned to his mind. He considered for a moment going to the door, seeing if she could possibly still be there. He changed his mind, however, on the grounds that she too deserved to hurt. She also deserved to wait, like he had.

Castle rubbed his hand over his face and through his hair before clicking off the light to his study. He went into his bedroom and fell across the bed, kicked off his shoes, and fell asleep, fully clothed.

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><p>When the sunlight had begun to stream through his bedroom, Castle awoke, his head pounding with the mother of all headaches and his phone chirruping irritatingly.<p>

He reached blindly for it and slide the unlock button. 12 unread text messages from Kate Beckett. He clicked through them, finding the same message each time. _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

He threw his phone back on the bed and stood up, stretching the crick out of his neck and running a hand through his mussed hair.

He left through his study and entered the kitchen, finding his floor surrounding the front door littered with paper. He went over to pick it up, immediately recognizing the source of the pages-they were pages of _Naked Heat._ For a moment he wondered how the book he'd ripped up the night before had ended up outside of his door before he realized the pages were covered in a handwriting that was very familiar, but not his.

He sat down on the floor and picked up the dedication page.

_To the incredibly loving Richard Alexander Castle, my best friend, my partner. I'm sorry. I love you._

I love you. He caught his breath. He felt his stomach fluttering in a mixture of excitement, confusion, and sadness. Grabbing page after page, he began to read.

_I wanted to slip the entire book under the door, give you our entire love story, but it wouldn't fix. Sorry for ruining such a great book._ One page read.

_Rick, I'm sorry I lied to you. I love you so much. It's just taken me this long to realize it._

_If I were going to try to explain my reasoning (which isn't me making excuses) I'd want you to know that I was so afraid. I'd just woken up in the hospital, my world was filled with pain, and I didn't think that I could possibly deserve a love so brilliant and sacrificial as yours. So I did what I've always been good at, I ran._

_Which brings me to something I've never been good at-feelings. But I want you to know that I will spend every day of the rest of my life proving to you that I love you. It's always been you. Always._

_All the songs make sense._

_I love you with all my heart._

_Always._

One page was unrecognizable except for the word 'always' scribbled over it over and over.

Castle sighed and looked at the page, filled with more 'I love you's, and declarations of 'always'. He debated for a moment going into his room and finding his phone, calling her, but decided he needed time, and more importantly, coffee.

He slipped on some discarded shoes and grabbed his keys from the counter to head down the street for a cup of clear clarity.

When he opened the door, he realized that he wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon. On the floor outside of his apartment, laid Kate Beckett. In her limp hand was a pen and on her lap was _Naked Heat, _short quite a few pages.

Her hair was curled messily around her sleepily calm face and she was slumped uncomfortably against the wall outside of the apartment.

At the sound of the door, she stirred slightly, her eyelashes fluttering against her pale face.

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><p>When Kate opened her eyes, she couldn't believe her luck, Richard Castle had come outside. He looked slightly bewildered, but that didn't stop her from getting up and throwing herself on top of him. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, and felt his entire body startle in response.<p>

"I love you," she whispered, "I love you, Rick."

She realized, dismayed, that his hands hadn't come up around her. Instead, he stood unnaturally still, not pushing her away, but definitely not asking her to come closer.

Kate pulled back her head a bit, "Richard Alexander Castle, I'm so sorry. I love you."

She bit her lip, deciding to give him a moment to respond.

"Why did you lie to me?" Castle finally asked, stepping back infinitesimally.

Kate lowered herself from her tiptoes and sucked in a large breath. At least he was talking to her now. She searched his face, searching for any chance that he would forgive her, that he could still love her.

"Because I was stupid," Kate began, "I was scared. I was in pain. It seemed like the wrong choice. I was selfish; it didn't even occur to me that I could be hurting you until I was trapped in the lie. I was wrong, so, so wrong."

He studied her face for a moment. She thought she saw a flicker of anger dissolve on his face, but she couldn't be sure. It could have just been her imagination, wanting him to be in love with her.

He didn't say anything so she continued, "I'm still scared. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I don't know how to _not_ mess this up. I guess I kept waiting for a time when I wouldn't be afraid-when you wouldn't be angry with me. That kind of timing doesn't really exist, though. I've been fighting this-_us-_for so long. Rick, I don't want to fight it anymore."

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><p>Richard Castle's mind was overwhelmed. First he found out that Kate Beckett had heard what'd he'd said. Then he found out that she loved him back. Then he found out that she was ready. He felt himself linger on wanting to be angry longer, wanting her to feel how much this hurt him, but he remembered the remote in his study. Mere yards away from there were now was a secret that could potentially end their relationship. When the time came (and yes, it was a when) for him to share his darkest secrets, he wanted her to be forgiving.<p>

It was this that caused Castle to swallow heavily.

"What about the wall?" he asked.

Kate considered him for a moment, "Realizing that the man you love could potentially be gone from your life changes things." Kate paused, "It's like…when I knew that I had you, I thought that I had all the time in the world to wait around, to be ready. The thing is, I'm never going to be more ready than I am right now. I'm not going to be perfect. I'm going to need your help. But when I realized that you could be gone from my life forever because of something stupid I'd done, I knew I didn't ever want to wonder 'if only'" again.

Castle studied her, absorbing the words that, without the present circumstances, would probably have made him the happiest man on the entire earth. He cast his eyes down at the floor, and when he looked up, he saw Kate's eyes brimming with tears and unbridled hope.

"It's not enough," he said slowly, watching her expression fall, "But it's enough for now."

Whether or not Kate caught the parallel of his word choice, he didn't know, because at that moment she had thrown herself on him, her mouth fusing with his.

Castle felt his hands instinctively go up to cup her face as her tongue probed against his lips. He opened to her and he felt his mouth filled with her warmth and love. He hands had risen to rest on his chest and she moved them up to his shoulders to wrap her arms around her neck, putting their bodies flush against each other.

Castle broke away from the kiss before it became any more intense. His hands slipped down to wrap around her waist and her forehead came to rest against his chin. Her breathing was heavy and labored.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you," Kate whispered into his neck, pressing a small kiss to his Adam's apple and sending chills up his spine.

"Kate," Castle said, wanting her to look up. Kate shifted back to look into his eyes.

"Oh, Kate," he said, wiping away a tear from the corner of her eyes.

"I want to be enough for you," she whispered, feeling a tear betray her and slide down her cheek.

Castle caught it with the soft swipe of his thumb which stayed on her face, rubbing smooth circles into her cheek.

"It's not you that's not enough," he said, urgently wanting her to understand, "You will always be enough. It's…I need time to forgive. I need time to trust."

Kate nodded, "Okay," a few more tears fell to join the first, and Castle caught all of them on his hands before pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"I love you," she breathed.

Castle pulled her into a tight, breath stealing hug, crushing her up against his chest and relishing the feeling of her against him. He buried his nose in her hair and took a deep breath in. He felt Kate pressing small kisses to his chest as her arms tightened around his waist. He could get used to this.

"I love you," he said.

Only this time when he said it, she wasn't dying. The steady rise and fall and rather quick thrum of her heart assured him of this. His heart swelled in love and forgiveness alike. Briefly his mind flashed to the remote sitting in his study and the implications it held. He banished that thought along with those of the cool green lawn at the graveyard and held Kate tighter still.

"I love you, Kate," he said on an exhale.

It was enough for now.

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed it (or thought it was utterly terrible, please leave a review!) they make my day <strong>

**xoxo,**

**CAM**


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